Today I was supposed to graduate.  Me.  But two days ago I lost that opportunity.  I just feel crummy.  I bought 4 cupcakes for Pauly from That Takes The Cake because I thought he could use a treat for coming again in less than a week.  Clockwise from top left they are:

• Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (White cake with chocolate frosting)
  
• Carrot Cake
  
• Forgot what the "cupcake boutique" calls it, but Red Velvet
  
• Lemon
  

All I can think about right now is eating them all and them feeling exaggerated guilt.  This is what my life has become.  Again.  

This whole no yob thing is seriously starting to make me feel like shiitake mushrooms.  And not the good kind, marinated in butter, oil, and herbs.  I've been burned to a crisp, masking my natural aroma.  

This pasta tastes terrible!  

Someone had the nerve to ask me if I was coming to the new grad graduation.  No offense sweat heart, but I was denied that. Two days before the ceremony.  I am no longer part of the cohort.  Excuse me for being selfish, but I don't think it's fair to put me through that.  Maybe you need support, but so do I.  I'm deeply sad.  Very would not suffice in this state.  I feel deep sadness.  Walk in my shoes for a day.  

My first time playing nurse on a flight

I just received a letter from Continental Airlines thanking me in OnePass bonus miles (12,500 to be exact) for my medical aid during an on flight emergency.  Apparently good deeds don't go unnoticed, or unrewarded.

I needed that, especially considering my self esteem has been shot these days.  Happy face!  

It's nice to know that someone else went through what I went through.

However, it's terrible to know that someone else had to feel as much pain as I experienced.

The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.

This is the problem with expectations.  Having presumptions for others will only set you up for disappointment.  I know this game far too well.  Just do you and be yourself.  Simple?  Never.  You may have high aspirations for yourself, but don't displace those unfair absolutes on someone else or you both, most likely, will end up with misty eyes.  It's far too hard to see when one person's judgement is clouded, let alone a pair.  

I am not sure.

I've always believed that a portrait captures a person far better than a photograph. It truly takes a human being to really see a human being. 

That last line gets me every time.  It truly takes a human being to really see a human being.  I may not have time to draw pictures while carrying out my duties, but images are forever ingrained in my head.  Sometimes I ponder are these people completely void of compassion, emotion, self-respect, and empathy?  I could go on, but at this point there is no reason to.  There is no fight left, but lips pursed above rough waters, struggling to take in enough air.  Am I getting Nitrogen and Oxygen, because all I feel is CO2 building and a gnarly headache ensues?  There is no gas exchange.  The pressure of the ocean is not aiding proper lung expansion.  Two options: I sink and I die, or I keep fighting and my lungs collapse.  I bob back and forth between two loose loose choices, yet I remain steadfast.  For what?  So I can see humanity at its worst?  So they can see me break? Once again: I know there is a moral to this story, but I don't know what it is.  I'm desperately trying to find the reason for this situation.  Trying to find salvation amidst this mess.  Clarity is hard with sun and salt water stingy sensitive eyes.  But there is always light at the tunnel.  I just happen to think this is a long, slippery path.  I already totalled my car.  What other trouble could I get into?  

I am wearing the exact same outfit (minus the shirt and who knows what undergarments I was wearing), when I had my anxiety attack that caused "the demise".  I have a very hard day ahead of me.  I know I will be put through hell and yet I feel by wearing this I somehow embrace inner strength knowing that I can overcome ANYTHING.  It's ok to be scared and nervous, but don't let those fears take over.  I will pass the questions and the tests.  I will be one step closer to ending this program.  I will be able to graduate.  I will be able to find something anew.  It will workout.  I have to have faith.  

I know there is a moral to this story, but I don't know what it is.

All I know is I am filled with extreme sadness.  I appear as if I awoke from a century of non productive tears.  They flow, but they do not lesson any pain.  If I could take back everything I would.  What did I end up with?  Loss.  I have nothing.  And I regret it more than anything.  My heart is broken.  

"What can I do for you I love you so much," and I always wanted to say, but never said: Love me less.

I do agree this is good advice:

I got two pieces of advice I have always remembered. The first was from my father, Charles E. Murphy, who was a justice of the New York State Supreme Court. It was a point about ethics. He said, "Doing the wrong thing is not worth the loss of one night's good sleep."

The other came from Benjamin Selekman, a Harvard Business School professor who taught labor relations. The last thing he said, at his last lecture to my class, was, "Here is something to remember for the rest of your life: Don't spend your time on things you can't control. Instead, spend your time thinking about what you can.

- Thomas S. Murphy, Former CEO, Capital Cities/ABC

Shake it off.  Count this as a learning experience.  Study, study, study. Expand my mind.  Don't give up.  Don't give in. 

The goal is to stay positive and do what I have to do.  I know I can do it.  

3 signs

I needed some signs.  I got 3.  I feel much better.  
3 facts on ladybugs:

1. When a ladybug lands on you, it is said your wish will come true. (In a weird way I think I wished these events.)
2. The Irish believe the ladybug to be a symbol of protection. (I have my forces protecting me during this time.  And I have my family angels.)
3. Ancient farmers considered the ladybug to be a good omen because it controls aphid populations. (Thus, everything WILL workout!)

The quarter game: A game of luck to help answer questions, predict something unknown, ease anxiety.  I shake quarters in my hand and drop them on the ground around me without looking to see how they land.  In this situation, I attribute luck if more heads are face up.  Tada!  Lucky for me, everything will work out.  6 up /2 down. 3/1.  3 is my lucky number.  

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

Helping others and working towards the greater good always brings out the best in you and this week you're going to shine in both areas. It's next to impossible for you to say "no," even when you're feeling stretched to your limits. The truth is you like being of service to others, whether you receive any recognition for it or not. But take notice of those who ask for your help but never make any effort to repay the favor. There's a difference between offering a hand and being taken advantage of and it's time you figured that out. There's a chance that a minor disagreement at work will get blown out of proportion this week, so be ready to stand up for yourself and defend your actions. As your ruler moves into Leo on the 18th, you may surprise others with your forcefulness of your convictions and the strength of your words. 

Today's Secrets

...that speak to me the most.  

The boyfriend tweeted this:

I have the most amazing girlfriend. Seriously. I feel like the luckiest guy right now. Sap? I don't care.

And the feeling ladies and gentlemen, is mutual, expect replace "guy" with girl.  

"As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life."

Yosemite

My two loves are coming to town from the Yosemite region.  Our family has a long history of living in the area, whether for work or pleasure, so the valley has a special place in my heart.  I was looking at old pictures in my mother's photo album of when my grandmother and her sisters used to work (and run...holler) Curry Village.  They no longer slide lit logs on the Horsetail Fall.  This tradition ended after a massive fire ensued.  However, the imagine of the event is still is breathtaking.  I can only imagine how magnificent it must have been to experience such a site firsthand.  Hear the crackles, feel the warmth, the flames creating fireworks dancing to their death below.  A final last eruption to be reborn into the applause of crowd.  

I would love to have a job central to nature.  Virgos created the Earth.  You want to get technical, the mythological beings representing Virgo is Demeter and from her core came Kore. The Virgo is connected to the Earth from conception. Further we are not just a malleable Earth sign, we are the most malleable sign of the zodiac.  The only constant is change.  Of any sign no one adapts like we do.  I can be put in any environment and thrive.  More than thrive, I'll create beauty and light.  But on a negative note, a malleable creature can be easily overconsumed by manipulation and powerful signs.  We change for others.  Ladies and gentleman that was your lesson on signs.

I know I'm meant to be in constant contact with the sun's rays and within ear shot of crashing waves.  The sun calms my soul.  Water eases my wondering mind.  Cruise ship nurse?  A nurse on an island?  

In the end, my demise will be a lifetime of loneliness.

Fake

You're telling me I should forget you, but why?

And you're acting like I never knew you, but that's a lie

And you're playing out your game again

And you're never on my side

And you're telling me I should forget you

Come on, the guy's a fake

What do you love him for?

And it was my mistake,

Kicking in his door

And if it's just a game

Then what are we crying for?

You're telling me I will regret you

But so

And you're talking like I should

Expect to, but you'll never know

And he's left you in the rain again

And you were always on my mind

And you're telling me I should forget you, no

Come on, the guy's a fake

What do you love him for?

And it was my mistake,

Just kicking in his door

And if it's just a game

Then what are we crying for?

You're telling me I should forget you

But love is blind and lovers cannot see
The pretty follies that themselves commit;
For if they could, Cupid himself would blush 
To see me thus transformed to a boy.

How our vision is askew wrapped in another, eyes locked.  Senses deluded. With the good comes the bad and both we take without any reservation.  In fact, we welcome both.  Faults of another seem less virulent in love.  A face masked in lovers veil only a counterpart could deem so perfect.  Yes, perfect.  Eyes, nose, lips, making a whole that is ethereal.  Angelic.  Too good to be true.  Perhaps?  But would we want it any other way? 

True love is void of question.  It is certain.

To start anew

The time has come for a new blog. Considering everything that has been going on in my life I think this is only appropriate. I don't like feeling like I need to censor my thoughts or write with discretion. Further, the thought that I am being actively pursued is also not my cup of tea. Leave me be. Writing is freedom of expression, or so some would think, but the reality is it is not. People will take and do with it as they please. They will contort it to their liking. They will take your thoughts, however meant, whether pleasant or ill intended, and turn them into a newly constructed vehicle that even rose colored glasses couldn't allow a ray of positivity to alter into something uplifting.

Manipulation and power are deadly. Some people really shouldn't hold positions of power. We are taught to respect our elders, but how can we when some are truly unworthy of such a thing? I'm presently trying to figure this out while also balancing on a tightrope and sucking in to fit into amazing jeans. Surprisingly I do it with poise and finely broke down. No one saw it, and I fear that soon everyone will know about it. Apparently nothing is secret or sacred anymore.

Another thing about people, people can't handle truth and as a result they feel you too must not be able to handle truth. Thus they lie and lie through omission, which is still lying to save you (and themselves) pain. Bad idea because what happens? Dramdizzle. No need to even proceed on this point.

Now I need, however, to address truth. What I find so ironic about my dear, sweet, loving "friends" is that what they love about me is also what they loathe. While they respect my steadfast integrity, they have a hard time with what comes out of my mouth. "The truth hurts" is an accurate saying because the reality is that it is often hardest to hear what we already know. People often don't seek this so called thing we know as "advice" for actual advice. They search for a silent advisor, someone to nod their head in agreement and shake their head in disapproval along with the direction the conversation is moving. They want their own affirmation to be noted. It's like going to a shrink. A shrink doesn't tell you what to do. You just pay $200 for the "oohs and ahas." So pay me $200 and instead of giving you the advice you need to hear I'll shut up and give you your god damn needed head nod. Perhaps this should be my new career move?

I wish I could address jealousy, but I'm too tired. Mentally. Oh sleep please commence.

So I must leave a blog I had dedicated 4 years and 3 months of my life to because I was no longer able to write without any discretion. It's about time.